King Charles III's cancer, Prince Harry and when family crises bring people together

Voices raise. Doors slam. Phone calls go unanswered.

Then, something shifts. The person who you are fighting with – a father, perhaps – gets sick. And suddenly nothing else matters.

Reports surfaced that Prince Harry arrived in London (and promptly left shortly after) amid his father King Charles III's cancer diagnosis. Details remain murky on what kind of cancer Charles has (not that it's our business), but Harry's sudden trip speaks volumes. Harry hasn't been on great terms with the rest of the royal family since he stepped down as a senior royal in 2020 and published a subsequent tell-all memoir "Spare" last year. USA TODAY has reached out for details on Harry's London stay.

It's common for people to make amends in times of crisis – though experts note that coming together despite differences does not mean a relationship has magically healed overnight.

"You can absolutely forgive someone without wanting to rebuild a relationship with them, or have them in your life," says T.M. Robinson-Mosley, counseling psychologist.

'They don't want to have regrets'

Royal family drama and tragedy go way back, given all the tumult surrounding Charles' breakup and divorce from Harry's mother Princess Diana, who later famously died in a car crash. Yet Harry's visit sends a message: Family matters.

"It really is these trying times that show family members where they stand, whether one can be relied upon in times of need, or if arguments can be forgotten or set aside," says Maryanne Fisher, a psychology professor at St. Mary's University in Canada. "This need for family goes far back in our evolutionary history as humans, but also highlights how key early experiences of attachment really are for us."

It's particularly true for parents and children. "Many adult children will reconnect with a sick or frail parent, not because the relationship has been mended, but because they don’t want to have regrets," says Kimberly Vered Shashoua, a licensed clinical social worker. "Adult children may set aside their own feelings in order to show up for their parents. Children may suppress their existing anger or hurt in order to avoid regret in the future."

That said: "In many ways, the decisions to put aside differences for a sick family member who harmed you brings up the really complex issue of forgiveness," Mosley says. "And the struggle to decide whether to forgive someone is often very complicated and deeply personal."

Diagnoses like cancer, though, may change your perspective. But not always. "Some fights can seem insignificant in the face of larger crises," Vered Shashoua says. "Other fights are too large to be ignored. Conflicts involving abuse or neglect are harder to set aside."

What about Harry and Prince William?

Meanwhile, reports say that Harry's reunion with his father doesn't mean he'll spend time reconciling with his brother, Prince William, who he also hasn't seen eye-to-eye with in recent years.

"Siblings are more likely to reconcile when they have to work together to take care of a parent," Vered Shashoua says.

But that's not always the case. Sometimes, siblings feel like the crisis solely involves their parent "so there’s no reason for them to reconcile."

Important:King Charles has cancer and we don’t know what kind. How we talk about it matters.

Advice for reconnecting with a sick relative

If you are thinking about reconnecting with a sick relative, keep some important points in mind:

• Recognize why you were upset with this person in the first place. "Trying to ignore them, trying to deny them, it's unproductive and can actually be more harmful and more stressful than actually accepting the fact that you were harmed," Mosley says.
• Make a conscious choice about forgiveness. You might not be ready, and that's OK. "Take your time and recognize if it's a decision that you would like to make," Mosley says. Loree Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, adds: "From my experience, some family members are unable to move forward, even under dire circumstances, when their traumas in the relationship have not sufficiently healed."
• Set healthy boundaries. "If you do want to engage with them, you get to determine what you're willing to do or not do," Mosley says.
• Consider getting an intermediary involved to facilitate a conversation. "This person can ensure boundaries are established and maintained – for example, certain topics are not discussed, time together will only be in the presence of the ill family member and so on," Fisher says.
• Seek healthy social support. That might mean professional help. "As you navigate this difficult process, therapy could be a really helpful resource alongside supportive friends and family," Mosley adds.

Whatever the case, if you choose to thaw an icy family relationship during a crisis, take a step back and think about why it was so icy to begin with.

"My real hope is that people facing this sort of situation can figure out why they are (holding onto things)," Fisher says, "and whether they are so important that they are going to let it overshadow what might otherwise be some memorable, important, last moments together."

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